


The Premiere

by Diglossia



Category: Killerpilze
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-02
Updated: 2010-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-06 23:32:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diglossia/pseuds/Diglossia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jo's being coy and it's killing Mäx.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Premiere

"Yeah, we're really proud of Fabi. He worked so hard on this movie, you can't even imagine. He's got such talent; I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up with another contract after this one," Jo said, answering the flushed reporter holding a microphone in front of them.

Mäx watched, a lazy smirk on his face. Jo looked hot as hell when he was excited about something and tonight was the biggest 'gig' they had ever 'played'. Tonight was the world premiere of Fabi's new movie, _Vorstadtkrokodile_ and Jo couldn't be more keyed up.

They had run into Fabi almost an hour before but the boy had had to run off to greet guests and sign autographs, leaving his band mates to the cameras and microphones. It was not all that bad, really, just annoying to have to answer the same questions over and over. Mäx let Jo do most of the talking.

"The band? I don't think it's going to be a problem that Fabi's a movie star now-" Mäx grinned at that. "We've been working on our new album all through the shooting and we're set to release it soon."

The reporter said something that made Jo laugh but Mäx did not hear what she said. He didn't care.

Jo tugged on Mäx's sleeve a few minutes later and they said goodbye to the reporter, making their way into the theatre. Mäx hoped he wouldn't fall asleep during the film: he knew Fabi's parts by heart; he and Jo both had rehearsed with the drummer until Fabi knew the lines backwards and forwards. Not that they were, granted, the most mentally titillating of lines but Mäx had to say he was proud of the little 'Shroom for all his hard work. Didn't make the damn film interesting, though.

Apparently, Jo had the same thoughts, Mäx realized, after he caught Jo looking at him for the fifth time in five minutes. He grinned knowingly at the singer and they were up and out of the theatre in a flash. Fabi wouldn't know the difference: they'd just tell him some shit about looking like an underfed pedophile running around without pants on, chasing little kids through the neighborhood screaming 'crocodile'. Fabi would get all defensive and the three of them would argue, and there would be no room for telling Fabi about whatever he and Jo got up to during the second half.

Mäx turned his attention back to his disappearing date.

Jo was walking ahead rapidly, flashing a grin back at Mäx as his longer legs let him outpace the shorter guitarist. Mäx shook his head, smiling all the while. He followed Jo down past the massive concession stands and other theatres, passing first one restroom, then another. Mäx didn't need to catch Jo: he would have him soon enough.

Jo giggled when Mäx pushed him against the tile sink, kissing him firmly. Jo's hands carded through Mäx's hair, pulling Mäx's head up for better access. Mäx tugged on Jo's hips, settling himself between Jo's spread legs.

Jo moaned breathily as Mäx rubbed their groins together, then let Mäx's mouth go.

"No, not here," Jo whispered, covering Mäx's mouth with one long hand.

Mäx glared at his boyfriend.

"We'll get caught," Jo insisted, pushing Mäx back so he could free himself from their embrace.

Jo scooted off the sink and dropped to the floor gracefully. He checked his hair in the mirror and redid the belt Mäx had undone before walking to the restroom door. Jo opened it, sliding through and out.

Mäx gritted his teeth and followed him out. Jo was well ahead of him now, almost speed walking to get away from Mäx. Mäx ran to catch up with him, his heart sinking at the way Jo was refusing to look back at him. He grabbed Jo's hand, meaning to have three seconds of closeness with the singer, but Jo waved it off and walked faster.

Mäx stopped where he was. He could feel his face heating up with anger and he knew he would have to control himself or he would end up causing a paparazzi attracting scene.

Jo always did this, every time they were even close to being alone in public. It made Mäx think Jo was ashamed of being with him and didn't want anyone to know that they were together. But, Christ, they'd announced to everyone they knew that they were going to Fabi's movie premiere _together_. Jo had even gone so far as to tweet the date for the world to see. And, yet, here Mäx was, not even allowed to hold Jo's hand. It was ridiculous.

Mäx gave himself a minute to calm down before he continued on to the theatre. He went inside and sat down next to Jo, their elbows brushing. Jo smiled at him for a split second, then turned his attention to the screen like it was the most fascinating thing.

Mäx pinched the bridge of his nose and willed himself not to scream.

ØØØ

"We need to talk," Mäx said once the front door closed.

"About what?" Jo asked nervously as he threw his jacket over a chair.

Fabi would be at the afterparty until at least three and they had the house to themselves. Mäx was planning to spend the next half hour finding out why the hell he couldn't touch his boyfriend in public.

"You know what."

Jo frowned and chewed on his bottom lip.

"No, I honestly don't, Mäx. Did I do something?" he said, turning away to fiddle with the edge of the sofa.

Mäx grabbed Jo by a belt loop and tugged him forward until they were chest to chest, forcing Jo to look at him. Jo smiled coyly down at Mäx, dropping a small kiss on Mäx's nose. Mäx growled.

"No, it was Fabi," he said sarcastically, "Yeah, you did something, Jo. How come every time we go out you have to act like we're just friends? I don't get it."

Jo's phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the number.

"Leave it," Mäx snapped.

"It's my mom," Jo said, opening the razor. "I can't ignore her. We can talk about this later, okay?" he asked, not waiting for the answer before he was leaning against the counter chatting away.

Mäx shook his head and went to their shared room, slamming the door behind him. He grabbed a pillow and shoved his face into it, letting the cool fabric muffle his enraged screams.


	2. Chapter 2

Mäx waited for Jo's conversation with his mother to end. 

He was so fed up with Jo's behavior lately that he knew their upcoming talk would end badly, probably with the two of them screaming at each other. That would get them nowhere because when they got to screaming, Jo started saying things he didn't mean, looking for any way to hurt Mäx so he would not lose the argument. Mäx did not feel like spending a half hour flinging angry words at each other only to have Jo crawl into bed later and cry that he didn't mean anything he'd said, that he had been mad and hadn't been thinking. He would beg Mäx to forgive him and Mäx would without understanding what they had been really fighting about in the first place.

"You wanted to talk?" Jo asked, opening the door before Mäx had time to get up.

Mäx sighed.

"Yeah. Sit down."

Jo sat, his fingers twisting up in the bedspread as he looked at Mäx curiously.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his eyes flicking up to Mäx for a minute before returning to the bedspread.

"Why won't you let me touch you when we go out?" Mäx asked, reaching out to touch Jo's hand and stroke it.

Jo fiddled with the bedspread but did not pull away.

"I do let you touch me," he said, keeping his eyes looking downwards.

Mäx frowned.

"No, you don't. Not tonight."

"I _did_ let you touch me tonight," Jo said. "We were in the restroom together, remember?"

"You pulled away and ditched me," Mäx accused, "What was that about?"

"I just- it was nothing. Forget about it, okay?" Jo said, moving his hand up to pick at his left shoulder.

"Forget about it?!" Mäx asked in disbelief. "Forget that you're acting like I'm some kind of too touchy friend when we've been dating for what? Two fucking _years_? That's way too long for you to be acting like this, Jo. If you're nervous about being out in public with me, maybe we shouldn't be together at all."

Jo's next words made Mäx's heart stop.

"You're right: maybe we shouldn't be together."

"No, Jo, oh God, no," Mäx pleaded as Jo, biting his lip and scratching at his shoulder, stood up. "I didn't mean that, Jo-"

"I did," Jo said calmly.

Mäx stood up, shaking his head in fear and disbelief.

"You don't mean that, Jo, you can't. We're so good together. You wouldn't break up with me now, would you?" Mäx asked.

He took a step towards Jo. Mäx reached out a hand to Jo, begging Jo to take it.

"You shouldn't ruin your life by being with me!" Jo yelled suddenly, his eyes shifting wildly as he backed away from Mäx and hit the wall. "I mean, what if someone sees and finds out about us and then it's all over the news? You'll never be able to get a girlfriend or get married and get a wife, and it'll all be because of me. Your life'll be over. Break up with me and let's forget about this."

"Don't you think you should let me decide how I'm gonna live my life?" Mäx snapped, his fear turning to cold anger. "If I cared what other people think, do you think I'd be with you now, Jo?"

The wild fear Mäx could see so clearly in Jo's eyes became desperate. Jo's breathing, already too fast, was now making his chest shake visibly with every inhalation.

"You don't get it!" Jo cried. "You're wasting your time with me. You can have someone better, someone else-"

"I don't want anyone else," Mäx said, folding his arms across his chest.

"But you could do so much better than me! I'm holding you down, keeping you from finding someone better. I'm making everything worse. You shouldn't have to be with me, not when there're so many people better," Jo said, his lip trembling as he stared at Mäx.

Mäx opened his mouth angrily, his fury and stress screaming the need to come out and attack Jo for his insane words, and closed it as searing pain tore through him. He could not believe this. Jo wanted to break up with him. But that wasn't all and that wasn't what was upsetting Mäx the most. They'd been through this before, years ago, and Mäx could not believe how blind he had been.

"It's starting again, isn't it?" Mäx asked.

"Not really," Jo muttered, picking at his shoulder in a feverish way Mäx couldn't forget.

"Yes," Mäx said, opening his arms and pulling Jo to him.

He pressed their foreheads together and stared into Jo's beautiful dark eyes. Jo shivered.

Mäx remembered this all too well. The self doubt and self destruction that had started in Jo years ago and had never left, no matter what Mäx or Jo's family did.

"Push me away all you want, Jo," Mäx whispered, holding the back of Jo's neck and bringing his shivering boyfriend in close. "Try as hard as you can, do as much as you can, I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Jo, more than you can imagine."

Mäx didn't know what had brought Jo's fear and self-loathing on. He had never found out where the beginning or end of Jo's problem was and had never been able to find a way to solve it. Jo's parents had shoved him into psychiatrists' and psychologists' offices since he was fifteen, had put him on medication after medication, had even hospitalized Jo once for it but, though the medication and the therapy had helped a lot, actually, they had never gotten rid of it. And that scared Mäx shitless, that he couldn't do what those doctors hadn't been able to do.

Jo's problems had been so bad that Mäx spent every day watching Fabi for signs that he was falling into the same traps as his brother had. Mäx refused to let Fabi make the same mistakes Jo had made. Mäx looked for the odd shaking, the random, uncontrollable quivering, and the frightening weakness. He looked for the fear and the back handed words of hate, the constant avoidance of food, the obsessive picking, and the unhappiness with his looks. So far, to Mäx's relief, Fabi had not shown any of the signs that haunted Mäx in his nightmares. But Jo had and still did occasionally, and now it was screaming at Mäx in his face. Jo was relapsing.

"I'm sorry, Jo," Mäx murmured as he pressed his mouth to Jo's trembling neck, "I should have been paying more attention."

"Not your responsibility," Jo shuddered out, clutching to Mäx as though he wasn't certain that he could keep standing on his own.

Mäx held him, trying to bury his anger in Jo's touch. He nuzzled Jo's neck softly and breathed out a slow breath. 

Anger would not help Jo now. Anger would make Jo withdraw more into himself and would help fuel the horrid cycle of self-hatred that had already begun again. Jo needed his support, not his anger.

"Sit," he ordered, pushing Jo onto the bed, "I'm going to get us something hot to drink."

Jo shuddered but he did as he was told.

Mäx gathered two mugs from the kitchen, meaning to make them both hot chocolate. A cold chill swept through him when he thought about what Jo would do if he handed him anything heavier than tea or coffee. _That_ had been thankfully short-lived but with Jo as fragile as he was at the moment, Mäx was not going to take any chances. He made Jo a mug of hot water.

Mäx settled onto the bed next to Jo, tugging his trembling boyfriend until Jo lay across his chest. Jo sipped at the water Mäx gave him shakily. Mäx fingered Jo's short hair, a sad frown on his brows.

"I don't know what to do, Jo," Mäx said softly, kissing Jo's temple. "I love you and I want to be here for you when you need me. I try to be and you push me away. Why?"

Jo looked at Mäx sadly, his beloved dark brown eyes guarded in a way that made Mäx want to clutch Jo to him and cry because this was so out of control. 

Jo kept looking at him, not talking, his fingers clutching the hot mug. Mäx sucked in a breath and played with Jo's hair, watching the way Jo's lips curved up with his light petting. Jo was so good at using words to hurt Mäx and distract him from Jo's true feelings but when it came to touch, Jo's body would not lie for him. Too many times Mäx had used Jo's body language to tell him the truth behind Jo's hurtful, angry words. He could feel Jo's love for him just as he could feel Jo's pain and unhappiness with himself. Mäx could not understand how his baby could love him and hate himself at the same time.

"I love you," Mäx whispered, kissing Jo's cheek. "Why can't you love you, too?"

"I don't know," Jo whispered back, his voice small.


End file.
